Lost in Motherhood (Junction, Sleek, Lock, Candle, Midnight)

I wake up to the half-hearted cries of my infant... he's whimpering those little cries that tell you he's still half-asleep but his little brain is telling him to WAKE UP. I slowly roll up, sit up, and without waking up, I reach into his crib and pull him into bed with me. Before I get my nightgown fully up and comfortable, he has latched on and is going to town, making little noises and snuggling with me. I smell the faint odor of pee-pee. Ah, how sweet. I feel like a golden retriever... I really don't like nursing in bed but I am way too lazy to sit up in my glider at midnight. I chuckle to myself that I'm in bed with a guy who smells like pee-pee.

I look down at him and am amazed I had anything to do with his existence. He is so beautiful... I kiss his sleek, little blonde head and thank God for his safe arrival. I waited so long for him. We tried for years before finally getting the good news I had conceived.

Motherhood is a blessing... so why am I so miserable? I waited and waited for this... taking temperatures, charting cycles, seeing doctors. Now, he's here and I don't know who I am anymore. I'm at the junction of motherhood and obscurity.

No more lunches out with friends. No more meetings. No more checking email 20 times a day to see if I got a new account. Now it's comfortable shoes and packing diaper bags. My last power meeting was a phone call with the help line to get help with installing a lock on the toilet. I got the lock on there. Now no one can open it.

I have done every Mommy thing the stupid book told me to do. The house is child-proofed, he has all the right lullabye CD's, brain-building DVD's, and developmental toys. I watch him like a hawk and tick off every "milestone" he reaches. Of course, so far, that's roll over. But, he did it beautifully.

Why do I hate this? I tell myself it is easier everyday. I tell myself this every time I nurse, change a diaper, wipe off spit up. It's only for the next 18 years right?

My question is this: when can I be ME again? When he starts school? When he graduates high school and starts college? Who will I be then? I am afraid I am just going to be his Mommy for the rest of my life.

The time is passing quickly. I bought the big number one candle for his birthday cake last time I was at the grocery store. Only 10 months to go.

Does anyone else feel this way?

~hpt is a stay at home Mom of two and loves it. Don't hate on her, this is truly a work of fiction. She waited her whole life to be a wife and mom, and is thrilled to be married to her husband and blessed beyond belief with her two small children, who have both already had big fat number one candles on their respective cakes.